Ike and Tina: A 20-Gallon Love Story

This is Ike and Tina. 

I'm pretty sure they're inbred. 

They came from the same tank of baby zebra-striped angelfish.  Then they grew up, paired up, and started spawning like crazed cichlids in heat.  (I had to take the third angelfish back to the store because they were beating on him so relentlessly.) 

They raised one batch of fry, which was an epic adventure for me and my roommate.  Since then, they still spawned constantly, but they've been careful to eat all the eggs.  I guess one round of parenting was enough for them.

They survived the Great Tank Leak of '08, lived in a bathtub for two days afterward (and somehow didn't die from the soap scum, which is a minor miracle in itself), and then did a three-week tour of duty in a plastic goldfish bowl while I glued and re-glued the seams of their swanky glass penthouse. 


Anyway, last month, Tina started swimming in weird loops.  Usually that's a sign of a swim bladder problem, so I consulted the experts and tried what I could: shelled peas, epsom salts, antibiotics, you name it.  Nothing worked.  I figure she's got a tumor of some kind pressing on her swim bladder, or else (more likely) she's full of eggs she can't lay. 

This weekend, she started crashing out on the bottom of the tank - still getting up to eat (oh my God, does she eat), but then falling back to the bottom, totally knackered.  At this point, she's been sick for a month, and she's only getting worse.  So I figure it's time.

As I write this, Tina is drifting off to sleep in a vodka cocktail (tank water, clove oil, and a splash of Smirnoff.  Tears optional.)  And although I'm even more sad than I thought I would be, the thought I keep coming back to is this:

We love our cats and dogs (and horses and ferrets and chinchillas) because they're great little buddies.  We play together.  We have lovey times.  We're friends in the truest sense of the word.

That's not really true with fish.  To them, I am merely the Great Shadowy Force that causes food to appear in the Holy Purple Floaty Ring.  But Ike and Tina didn't need a human person in order to live big, amazing lives.  Growing up, parenthood, a bona-fide love-triangle, danger and hardship and adventure on the bathtub seas... and here at the very end of it, Ike poking Tina relentlessly to try to get her to swim again. 

In a way, it is immensely comforting to know that there are dramas and epic stories unfolding all around us, ones that don't need our attention, much less our intervention, to play out in grand form.  And sometimes I think all we really to do is learn how to notice them.

--We still have to name them...
--You wanna name all of 'em, right now? All right. We'll name this half Marlin Jr., and then this half Coral Jr.  Okay, we're done.

String Theories

Today, the Internet is full of people talking about how they have the best mom ever.

I always feel a little weird posting about Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and even Christmas, because it seems like the culturally-mandated Celebratory Period doesn't leave much room for the people who don't have a big shiny happy Norman Rockwell parent / sweetheart / family to gush about on Facebook.  (This holiday paranoia is probably a result of having watched Gremlins at much too young an age.  Chimneys, you guys.  Don't go down them.)

BUT.

The universe has been kind enough to issue me a truly stellar mom.  This deserves recognition.  So in the spirit of "show, don't tell," here is something of her that you can enjoy for your very own.

See this here?

This is a crude replica of something I found while I was helping her clean out her office one day: a little piece of cardboard with two sets of strings glued onto it.

So I said to her, I said, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

And she said, "Oh, that's from a workshop we did a few months ago.  They gave us little pieces of string and told us to use them to illustrate a problem, and show how we would solve it."

"Oh, I see.  So the problem was that they were all in a jumbled mess together, and you straightened them out and organized them."

"No," she said.  "The problem was that they were all separate and lonely, so I put them together."


...I was originally going to use this as a stepping-stone to wax philosophical about something.  On reflection, I'll just say this: my life has been immeasurably enriched by people who arrange their strings in ways that never would have occurred to me.  Thanks for keeping it funky fresh, Mom.

Okay, this screw is important, so I'm putting it here with the oranges.

Ten Things I Learned From DFWcon 2013

1.  There are more terrific people in the world than you can handle knowing.  

2.  David Corbett can bring new meaning to your life, and Michael Capuzzo has friends who can end it.

3. Quality floats.  Quality makes heads turn.  Your audience can smell laziness, ignorance, and slapdashery like sun-ripened mayonnaise.

4.  Entropy has a net positive effect on tres leches cake.

5.  Until we can be in literally seven places at once, there will never be enough time to do everything we want to do. 

6. Heaven is other people.  Hell is figuring out how to talk to them.

7. On Loop 820, as in life, the road to success is choked with traffic and permanently under construction, and it takes f***ing forever to get somewhere.  Perseverance is essential.

8. High school never ends.

9. Being complimented is good, but being helpful is GREAT.

10.  Anonymous friends are everywhere. Even in the toilet.

And actually, if I can loop the Blogging A to Z Challenge in here for a second, just one more:

11.  It's not all about you.  And that is indisputably a good thing.

That's the big one for me personally.  My own headspace is full of insecurities and inadequacies and the nasty nibbling brain-hamsters of doubt.  I freaking know this (I've lived in it for three decades now!)  And yet I'm always surprised at how fun and interesting and and alive and powerful I feel when I link up with other people - especially ones who are all pulling in the same general direction I am - and take the time to say, "gosh, you sure are neat - what's big in your world right now?"

To recap: I spent the entire month of April beating myself into the ground to produce daily blog content, and the first week of May punching myself in the face to get ready for a writing conference.  There are plenty of things I did poorly or not at all.  There is a veritable pantload of things I want to do differently next time.  But I've never had less sleep or more fun, and I am so, so excited to set my sights on the next round of self-inflicted accomplishments.

In the meantime: bed, chores, friends.  I got old ones to catch up with and new ones to study up on, and that is a GREAT problem to have.


I got 99 problems, but a pitch ain't one.

From Blogging to Hot-Dogging

What a month, you guys.  I can't believe I ate blogged the whole thing.  And next week, I'm gonna sit down and write a really good navelgazing post about the merciless month-long thrill that was the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

Right now, though, the DFW Writers Conference is happening this very weekend, and I am 100% booked until then!  I'm doing this class, see, and I am so freakin' stoked about it:

It's going to be educatastrophic!  You know, in a good way.

Anyway, I'm all nostalgic just now, because at this time last year, I was busy barfing on my shoes just thinking about going to my first-ever conference and pitching to actual agents.  If you're going to this or some other great literary event and feel your penny loafers are likewise in imminent danger of meeting your lunch, take solace and learn from my mistakes!  Here are a select few of my bloggy baby pictures posts from DFWcon 2012:

Cue Training Montage - in which the reality of the upcoming event sinks in, and "Eye of the Tiger" starts playing in the background.

DFWcon 1: New Neighbors - or, how writers' conferences are basically Hogwarts Disneyland Woodstock carnival-prom (for book nerds), and why that is so important.

DFWcon 2: Lessons - the do's and don'ts and remember-for-next-times

The Dry Heaves of Destiny - in which, almost three months after the conference, I finally send my manuscript to the Agent of My Dreams

By the Power of the Crimson Couch... - the climactic moment, almost four months after I had originally pitched to her at DFWcon 2012

So there you have it, happy people: do your homework, eat your Wheaties, and remember that Mr. Rogers likes you just the way you are.  It's going to be a grand time!

I feel good.  I feel great.  I feel wonderful.  I feel good.  I feel great.  I feel wonderful.

GrammatiCats: Zeugma

Zeu-what?

Zeugma.  (Pronounced ZOOGma - the 'eu' is like it is in 'leukemia', and like everybody thinks it is in 'Dr. Seuss'.)

Yeah, I didn't know this one either - but it's totally a thing!  Are you ready for this?  I mean, fair warning:

Pinkie Rating: 5

what's this?

For real, you guys.  This one isn't long, but it goes deep.

So what's zeugma?  It's like this:

GrammatiCats: Y'all

Well, look.  I was sitting around trying to think of a good grammar topic to do for "Y" today. 

And I said to my cat, I said: "Kitty, what if we did 'your' and 'you're'?"

And she was like,

And I had to admit that it didn't sound like a terribly substantial topic. 

But then I thought, "Wait a minute - we DO know a Y-word that the world needs to understand!  Quickly, kitten - to the Hickmobile!"

Thus, we have arrived at "y'all."  Come!  Let me teach you the pronoun of my people.

Beer Score: 2

GrammatiCats: XXIV (and Other Roman Numerals)

Yeah, it's a little sneaky, but look: how many grammar words do YOU know that start with "X"?  No jury will convict me!

Actually, though, I'm super jazzed about this post.  I'm a huge Latin / Roman history dweeb, and it came as a surprise to me when I first met someone who couldn't read Roman numerals.

"But didn't you just, you know, want to snort them up your nose and wear them on your face when you were taught them in school?" I asked, perplexed.

Well, apparently not.

But!  Since we do still need them for keeping track of popes, Superbowls and Land Before Time sequels, here for your edification is a no-fear guide to Roman numerals.

GrammatiCats: Was and Were

"Pff, what?  WAS and WERE?  Who doesn't know how to use those?  I 'was' going to read this post, and you 'were' going to write something worth my time.  Handled!"

I know, right?

But then where the dickens do we get "If I were you", and how come Beyoncé's singing about "If I Were A Boy"?  Did Loudon Wainwright screw up in writing "I Wish I Was a Lesbian"?  Should it be "I Wish I WERE a Lesbian," or does it even matter?

These are the burning questions on which our tiny grammatical planetoid turns.  Join us now for a very special episode of "Days of Our Conditional Verb Tenses."

Pinkie Rating: 4

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GrammatiCats: Voice

Hello again from Internet land!

Sorry these last few posts (and comments, visits, et al) have been on the late side - my life's inbox has been full to overflowing with you-know-what.

Anyway, voice!

Not the "finding your unique writing style" kind of voice - that's well outside my purview.  (For that, you need to come to DFWcon and hear Jenny Martin's class: she will take you to the wall!)

But you know how people are always ragging on the "passive voice" and talking about why you shouldn't use it?

Well, I'm here to tell you that - just like alcohol, television, and saturated fats - the passive voice can be part of a healthy literary lifestyle.  And the only way you can make good decisions about when and how much to use it is by having the facts and knowing the alternatives.


... that sounds more like a medical pamphlet than I'd intended, but you get the idea.  Onward, to voice!

Pinkie Rating: 3

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GrammatiCats: Umlauts

Um-what?

Umlauts!

Otherwise known as "those little dots that Mötley Crüe put in its name for extra metal cred" and "The official  diacritical mark of the Weimar Republic."

"That's great for them," you might say, "but what does that have to do with me?"

Well, have you ever wondered about how or why your word processor autocorrects your writing to say "Noël" or "naïve", or why the New Yorker keeps talking about "preëminence" and "coöperation"?

If so, get your pinkies out, people - we are going to put the ü in über.

Pinkie Rating: 5

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