Monday, December 9, 2013

Doing the Horse Stance

Sorry for the long radio silence here.

To summarize: had an awesome time with the fam, made it back to the states, am currently enjoying the last of five blissful, iced-over days with the house to myself. This is what the front walk currently looks like--

--which I am taking as a sign that God wants me to stay home and work on my book. (Can do, Lord.)

I did finally venture out yesterday, though, to watch my sister test for her black belt. LOOK AT THIS GIRL GO.  (And yes, that's cement under the towel.)

I know, right. I am RELATED to that. (Don't ask me how - maybe we flipped a coin in the ovary. "Right: heads, I take squishy, sedentary and sarcastic, tails, you get relentless ass-kicking aptitude and a knack for cleaning up anything that can come out of a dog.")

It was a hell of a time, too. There were four other people also testing for various degrees of black belt, and the Master really put them through their paces. There was five-on-one sparring, brick-smashing, board-breaking, throws, holds, and more weapon forms than you could shake a kwan dao at.  Here's the one that always makes my eyes pop out, though:

It's called the horse stance, and if anybody ever tries to blow you smoke about what a total martial arts bad-ass they are, you can pretty much call them on it by having them drop into a horse stance and clocking how long they can hold it.  It is hard - sweat-beading, arm-shaking, butt-quivering HARD.  (How hard, you ask?  Well, to give you some idea, people testing for the black belt - which you tend to earn after about ten years of serious, solid work - hold the stance for five minutes.  Ten years.  Five minutes.  Yeah.)

I think this is my favorite of all their skill tests, though.  More so even than the brick smashing.  Because, like...yes, there are those moments in your life when you do have to rise to the occasion and do something jaw-droppingly amazing.  Like lifting a car off a child, or schooling the hosts of "Crossfire" so hard the show gets cancelled.   But man... SO OFTEN the biggest, hardest, most epic battle in a person's life is the struggle just to stand it.  Whatever it is.  You're not trying to win any medals.  You're not out to save Metropolis.  You're just staring down the absolute toughest thing in your world, and holding the line.  It's amazing to see that struggle given physical form.

(Please don't take this as any dire personal allusion, by the way.  I can assure you that my gluteals are quivering only in happy, positive ways.)

Anyway, hope all you local yokels are staying safe out there.  And if anybody DOES happen to need someone who can snap a man's neck between her ample liquid-titanium thighs... I'll be glad to get you a referral.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure every woman in the room spontaneously ovulated at the sight of that.


  1. Replies
    1. YES she is (and I know you know kickass when you see it!)

  2. You're so wonderful <3 <3 <3 this was a really nice read during my break. Back to saving cats.

    1. SAVE ALL THE CATS, Al. You're the only one who can!!

  3. Wow -- amazing vid and congratulations to your sister! That's an accomplishment to really be proud of!

    And I love your horse-stance analogy. You're absolutely right.

    Plus I think it applies in another way, too -- many times, when the crap's hitting the fan and life's got you by the short hairs, the frantic need to DO SOMETHING can be overpowering. And sometimes the best action is to instead hunker down, anchor yourself, and just stand there.

    Glad your glutes are quivering with happiness! That's a great blessing -- heck, I'm even feeling blessed just to have the visual in my mind. :)

    1. Duuuude. It's only 1:30 here, but I think we can safely award the prize for "deep thought of the day." A winner is you!

      I've heard that that is the especial bane of pre-published authors - you know, like after the book's gone to press and you absolutely, positively can't change anything about it any more, the temptation to just go absolute honking bananas with self-promotion is apparently a hell of a thing. I guess standing still is harder than it looks!

  4. Laughed the whole time reading this. Dude, I want a black belt now. I broke my arm when I was a kid... dropped out at yellow belt. I can still kick pretty high. (that sounded a little more pathetic than I was aiming for)
    Thanks for that bit about quivering glutes, by the way. Not disgusting in the least bit! :)

    1. Haha, y'know, on reflection, Quivering Glutes would've made a pretty decent DBZ character.

      But yeah, man - I dunno if it's like a rule that you either kick ass or write about people who do, but I haven't met many people who can successfully overlap the two. (You chose well, regardless - our ass-kicking methodology has WAY better special effects!)

    2. Two things - Regarding the overlap - R.A. Salvatore (fantasy author) first worked as a bouncer at a club, then proceeded to use his personal experience to fuel fight scenes when he became a writer.
      I read and responded to your comment on my latest. Thanks for calling me out.