Saturday, September 8, 2012

America: Chasing the Bear Since 1776

You know, I've been wading through American history for awhile now, and have yet to come out smelling of fruits and flowers. After awhile, it's easy to get cynical and start sketching out ideas for Brutal Oppression Bingo.

But I have to say, this post (from a Scottish gent, posting on a Scottish football forum) made my whole day. From Dundee Barry himself:
America's class.
It's given us the blues, rock 'n' roll, soul, hip hop and house. It doesn't f**k about with sandwich fillings (ask for a corn beef sandwich here and you're getting charged extra for more than two slices; ask for one in America and they're putting ALL the corn fucking beef on that sandwich, my friend.) American people are, in my experience, probably more friendly and courteous than the people of any other nation on the planet. Much more so than Scottish people, who owe a great deal of their reputation to being a bit drunk most of the time.
Americans are baws oot. The best example I can give recalls sitting in a bar out in the beautiful wilderness of Yosemite National Park late one night. It was a busy, friendly place full of the sound of that happy din you find in the best bars. It was a good scene.
Suddenly someone storms in all excited, shouting, "There's a fuckin' bear outside!" There was a collective gasp, then silence.
And then the place erupted into a cheer and they all charged out after that bear. Every single one of them. The place emptied in seconds. Had there been a bugle to hand it would surely have been used to sound the charge. I sat at the bar for five minutes on my own wondering what the f**k was going on until they trickled back in with bear-chasing grins and a thirst. They didn't catch it, but hot-fucking-dog did they enjoy going after. f**k knows what their next move would've been had there been a man-on-bear confrontation.
Now, if that happened here we'd just sit there all worried as we procrastinated over who should be called into action. The police? The council? Our mums? Probably all of the above. That's the kind of thing someone else will have to sort out for us. We're too busy bitching and whinging and having a chip on our shoulder to be dealing with it.

This, I feel, is why America runs the show at a global level. They're the only one instinctively chasing the bears.
I could go on. Saved by the Bell, Legion of Doom, the end of Rocky IV, playing golf on the Moon, inventing the gloryhole and a electing a string of shaggers, cowboys, film stars, crooks and a black guy as their president. What's not to like?
America: f**k yeah.
*cues 'Freebird'*

You know, sometimes it's nice to see yourself from somebody else's point of view.  And it's definitely good to lighten up once in awhile.  (Don't get cocky, though: I've been there, and let me tell you, the Scottish mastery of junk food, public services, and casual, blister-raising sarcasm far exceeds our own.  Generations of fortified wine and knife crime have made them a cagey and fearsome people.)

But a handy tip, if you don't peruse the remainder of that thread: should you ever need to enrage a British person on-the-spot, ask him about herbs, mirrors, or aluminum foil.  My fellow Americans, we bear in our mouths a potent Yankee Kryptonite, and have made the English-speaking world our unwilling spittoon.

Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".


  1. An inspired photo addition! Cheers, DB.

  2. Ha! Thanks for the thumbs up - it seemed about right.

  3. Aye, and remember...if it's not Scottish, it's crap!

  4. Haha, you know, I can't claim to speak with native authority, but Scotland has always struck me as a land rich in superlatives. HELL yes!