Thursday, June 5, 2014

"10 Reasons Why Your Blog Sucks"

"Tex," people occasionally tell me, "I know I'm supposed to blog, but I'm scared to try.  How do you do it?"

Well, here is a sordid confession: I don't actually know what I'm doing.  At all.  Or DIDN'T - until this weekend, when I sat down and read about eighteen dozen "blogging for clueless goobers" articles.  Now I am an expert!  My blog will be eighteen times better going forward - and yours can be too!  Here is what you need to do:


1.  Your post title needs to be keyword-rich for the Google, but witty and provocative enough to attract live human eyeballs and their coveted clicks.  (See what I did up there?)

2.  Your post should have - I won't say the T-word here - a single, clear main idea.  No aimless rambling!

3.  You've got to have a picture, of course.  Who's going to have the attention span to get through your relentless odyssey of text without a pictorial rest-stop along the way?  (And no stealing from Google Image Search, you mannerless Visigoth!)

Here are some poorly-photographed nachos we once ate in Stirling, Scotland. 
Note the strangely reasonable portion sizes and extra-elegant double plate.

4.  On a similar note, make sure you bold the especially interesting bits, so people who aren't really reading can follow along.  You know that game you played when you were a kid, where the living room floor was hot lava, and the throw pillows were stepping stones?  This is that, but for your reader's fickle gaze.

5.  You'll have the decency to update at least twice a week, of course, because otherwise you're just wasting your time. 

6.  You'll promote each post at least twice on three different social media accounts, because see above.  (But don't be obvious or obnoxious about this.  You can't be all Cat in the Hat with your "look at me, look at me, look at me now!"  You have to balance the cake and the boat and the fish and the ball with more of an "I don't know if you know this, but I'm actually kind of a big deal" disinterested swagger.)

7.  Time your post wisely.  Have your local haruspex perform the appropriate reading of entrails to find the most auspicious day and time.  We recommend chicken for Blogger, and the liver of a young male sheep for Wordpress.

8.  And for heaven's sake, keep it snappy, Tolstoy!  Yeah, you can have posts longer than 500 words - if your audience are convicted felons doing time in solitary.

The nachos were accompanied by the obligatory bilingual moisti-nap.
Because finger foods, like menstruation, are marks of Original Sin,
and best endured with dignity, resilience, and a robust array of sanitary products.
9.  Oh, and tagging!  Tag RELENTLESSLY.  Tag like Banksy on a bath-salts bender.  Just take 75% of the nouns in your post and reproduce them as tags, so that the invisible SEO spiders of the Internet can bring you even more coveted clicks.  Basically, if your tag list doesn't look like the Finnegans Wake episode of "Will it Blend?", you're doing it wrong.

10.  And whatever you do, don't forget to ask a question at the end of your post!  It doesn't matter how forced or awkward it is, as long as it's there.  Because how else will your readers know that they're allowed to leave comments?  God, why does it always have to be about YOU?!

So there you have it, people: everything you need to know about blogging.  Fame and fortune will soon be yours!  What about you?  Do you like fame and fortune?


I mean, we’re already talkin’ 27 hits, here. And that’s from this computer alone!

17 comments:

  1. ::sighs:: I'm doing too many things wrong.

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    1. Madam - if you're doing it wrong, I don't wanna be right!

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  2. My blog totally sucks. Fame? Maybe. Fortune? Yes, please.

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    1. AMEN. (To fame and fortune, I mean - I will strongly disagree with your blog's perceived suckitude!)

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    2. Actually, my blog doesn't suck that much. There is some really awesome content, but it wasn't generated by me. I just asked the questions and posted it. I do need to get better about the picture thing.

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  3. Okay, Tex - give up your book publishing quest (albeit your fame and fortune) and head for the stage. Your comedic timing is precious… precious, my dear!

    I'm going right over to my recently reactivated blog and revamp the whole darn thing according to these tips. Brilliant, darling, brilliant! (said with my blond roots exposed)

    Alas… I'm all about the "doing it my way" and like you most of my hits are generated from the great one (aka moi) as I check and recheck my posts. God forbid someone of your calibre comes along and my commas are fighting with colons; and ellipsis and dashes are haphazardly dodging periods that really want to end it now! No, not an exclamation mark, I said a period!!! :P

    I laughed out loud but I did not laugh may ass off as it is still attached; oh darn!

    And no... I don't type LOL and LMAO as my darling daughter keeps trying to tell me is the cool and hip way of talking both on and off technology. l draw the line and it’s just above MA - there how’s that for snubbing the next generation.

    What a fun and energizing post!

    Cheers, Jenny

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    1. Oh my… seems I've rambled and put a mini post within a post… please accept my post-post apologies. :)

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    2. Ah, Jenny, I love your praise and enthusiasm, and the fact that you deliver it with such a robust word count makes it all the sweeter!

      But like I was saying to Dan below - please don't follow any of this advice off a cliff! It's true that I've seen these guidelines posted elsewhere (with remarkably less outrageous phrasing), but I know PLENTY of bloggers whose wonderful posts would be ruined if they held slavishly to these rules. Whatever you do, please stay true to your own wonderful self - no matter how many admirers you acquire, nobody else is going to be able to replicate your style!

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  4. Great post, Tex! I must take issue with the word count thing... brevity is good, but Google likes articles of 500+ words.

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    1. Oh, dude, I fear I've completely missed the satirical mark, here: although all of these are based on real blogging advice, I find most of it to be absolute hogwash, and meant to poke fun, not to endorse. For whatever it's worth, I agree absolutely: if you want Short Attention Span Theater, Twitter is open 24/7!

      (I did not know the thing about Google, though - that is mighty neat!)

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  5. The nachos looked mediocre at best but what I did notice was the beer in the background. That got my attention and thanks to you I have beer on the brain and it's only 9am. New follower.

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    1. Are... are you Bushman? THE Bushman? He of whom Jenny Pearson sings unending praise?

      Sir, it is an honor and a privilege, and that definitely deserves a Dos Equis - let me be the first to help normalize drinking before noon!

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  6. Cats. You forgot cats. And/or other small animals upon request.

    So, are the nachos in Scotland any good? Did they come with optional haggis?

    <3 Frankles

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    1. They did not! But I'll have you know that I did smuggle a can of grocery store haggis past customs last year, and we actually did make haggis nachos - and they are actually pretty damn good. If we can help the United States government understand that sheep are not in fact cows, and that lungs are not part of the nervous system (and therefore not a disease vector for BSE), we might be able to launch a whole new kind of fusion cuisine! (Cats optional, natch.)

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  7. I hesitate to comment here, as I have only recently discovered this myself, but there is no apostrophe in Finnigans. I only mention this in case it messes up your keywords.

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    1. My god, you're right! Thanks for the quick fix, madam (and I won't even be ashamed: if YOU didn't know until just now, I will forgive myself completely!)

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    2. Course, you might want to misspell keywords in order to attract the yokels as well. I always misspell the name of my bank online, lucky me they bought up all those domain names. At least, I think they did. ;-)

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